


Atrophy

by fujinumasatorus



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 04:26:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20868167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujinumasatorus/pseuds/fujinumasatorus
Summary: The sun peers through the crisp white blinds of his room, what should be like any other early spring morning, except something is off. As Kihyun stirs awake, his eyes slowly lift open to an almost light haze. He takes in the scene, finds that his surroundings lack the vibrance they usually carry.





	Atrophy

The sun peers through the crisp white blinds of his room, what should be like any other early spring morning, except something is off. As Kihyun stirs awake, his eyes slowly lift open to an almost light haze. He takes in the scene, finds that his surroundings lack the vibrance they usually carry.

Perhaps it’s just because he barely woke up.

He blinks once, twice, three times to clear away the sight, but the visual remains the same. He groans as he rubs his face back into his pillow.

“What’s wrong?”

He turns over on the bed to the voice that called him. There in a vision of white, looking as angelic as ever is Changkyun. Kihyun’s surprised to find him already awake and out of the sheets of their shared bed. 

“Huh?”

“You look lost. Just wondering if everything is okay,” he drifts off at the end, waving his hand as he speaks.

Kihyun brushes his hair back after he fully sits up on the bed. His mind blinks away the remains of sleep.

“Nothing. I think I’m still a bit tired,” he says, though to convince himself more than anything. He doesn’t know why he’s woken up vision glazed. Ever since he met Changkyun his world has been drenched in mesmerizing saturation, removed of the overpowering bleak blacks and whites he saw before meeting his soul mate.

He rubs at his eyes again trying to wipe away the desaturated colors as if physically on his face. It does nothing.

“Really? Everything is okay?”

Kihyun hesitates at the repeated question, not quite understanding the tone. Changkyun’s expression is unreadable, brows furrowed ever so slightly. The deep brown eyes bore into his own, yet he is unable to decipher them. He breaks away first.

“Everything is fine, I promise,” he says again rather than bring up the complications with his sight. Changkyun nods, tilts his head down to watch as he smooths out the bedspread. Kihyun follows the movements from the corner of his eye.

“Are you heading back to sleep?” He asks, changing the subject. 

Kihyun shakes his head. It’s late enough if his boyfriend is already awake. He needs to get up, run errands. As soon as he gets into his daily routine, the oddity of waking up will wither away.

He goes on out of bed to do laundry after Changkyun heads out. The day is quiet, no more sounds than his own hums or the rustles of background noises from clicking change to folding clothes. It continues until his evening where he quietly sorts files even after Changkyun returns. 

He greets him with a single peck on the cheek before leaving for the bedroom.

His vision never changes.

-

The next day comes and Kihyun’s eyes blink awake to the same sight as the day before. The colors are off, just barely dull. He wonders if he needs to see an eye doctor. His mother wears glasses, his father for reading, his issue could simply be hereditary hitting even though he’s only 25.

He watches himself in the mirror, running hands up and down his face trying to pinpoint any flaws to cover up. Age could be hitting him faster than expected, first his eyes, now possibly new wrinkles forming their ways around his eyes and mouth. 

A knock interrupts him. 

Changkyun stands in the doorway to the bathroom, but doesn’t come in. Kihyun glances down and finds his laptop bag and phone. He sports his favorite grey hoodie, something Kihyun gifted him a few months back on a whim.

“I’m gonna head out.”

“Okay,” he nods. “What do you want for dinner? I’ll head to the store later since I’m not working today.”

“I’m actually gonna be out late,” he picks down at his fingernails. Some of his black nail polish chips off to the floor. Kihyun watches it float down, suppressing any urge to grimace. “Don’t wait up for me.”

“Where are you headed?”

“Boys night, just Jooheon and I.”

“I’ll see you later,” he smiles. Changkyun returns it, though less enthusiastic. Kihyun doesn’t want to overthink the reaction, especially when Chankgyun continues.

“Have a good night, maybe call Hoseok to come over?”

He considers it for a moment.

“I will.”

-

He does as suggested and calls up Hyunwoo and Hoseok for dinner to avoid a quiet night in, though once the food is served neither of the two leave space for vibrant conversation. The sound is all of their chewing and utensils hitting their bowls.

Better than being alone he presumes. 

Besides, both men emit such comforting auras that glow without words needed. Their presence is enough. And that night, he needs it, knowing he’s purposefully avoiding addressing his lingering worries.

A few times his mind slips, an unease building that he cannot place. It hasn’t left him since the previous morning.

“What’s Changkyun doing tonight,” Hyunwoo asks during the middle of their meal. Kihyun notices he’s already downed half his plate while Kihyun has eaten far less.

“With Jooheon, playing video games probably. Drinking I’d imagine.”

Hyunwoo nods, satisfied with the answer and goes back to his food. Hoseok keeps his eyes on Kihyun, he can feel the staring. Hoseok’s never discreet with those sorts of things.

“What?”

Hoseok tilts his head to the side, eyes curious, but all Kihyun can focus on is the bit of sauce settled on the corner of his mouth.

“Is everything alright?”

“What do you mean?” 

He frowns, finally meeting his friend’s gaze.

“Nothing, just you. How are you? You and Changkyun?” He waves a hand hoping the gesture will give more insight. It irks him more.

“We’re fine.” Changkyun hasn’t come to him with any issues, there aren't any. There shouldn’t be. Hoseok doesn’t look convinced.

“If you are ever having trouble though, you know you can always tell us.”

Hoseok is his best friend after all, aside from Changkyun, of course. Been with him through thick and thin, always by his side. He knows he can go to Hoseok when he has trouble, but right now he doesn’t think he’s in trouble. 

“I know.”

Hoseok gets that he doesn’t want to further continue the topic and moves onto to something else. Even Hyunwoo glances between the two, knowing something else is there, but has enough mind not to say anything.

The rest of the evening is filled with mindless conversation, which does nothing to help distract him. His vision feels like it's swimming, mixed with the haze that hasn’t gone away, it’s slowly chipping away at him. He doesn’t want to tell Hoseok and Hyunwoo anything is wrong, even though they can probably tell. Instead they spend another few hours or so before leaving and bidding him goodnight.

Hoseok hugs him tighter than normal, tells him they should eat again tomorrow. Kihyun gives him a vague confirmation, telling he’ll see where they’re at, but it would be nice. 

He showers, heads to bed hoping the next day will be a bit better. He sends a quick text to Changkyun, telling him he’s heading to sleep early. The response back is short.

Changkyun doesn’t come home that night. 

-

It’s everything he’s afraid of, waking up and being unable to breathe in the colored world around him. It’s fading. He can’t blame it on the lingers of sleep nor ailing vision from age. The more time that passes, it’s clear what’s happening. 

He’s losing the colors he’s held onto so dearly.

As he peers around the room, taking in the fading scene, he can’t help but think about how Changkyun isn’t there. He hasn’t seen him in six days. 

His last message vaguely mentioned staying night at Jooheon’s because he had been drinking and didn’t want to head home like that. It was easy enough to accept that evening, but he didn’t come home the next morning or afternoon.

Kihyun calls, but receives no answer. He leaves messages but gets no responses from Changkyun. He would be more concerned, but he had received several brief messages from Jooheon the morning after explaining Changkyun wasn’t feeling well and was more than welcome to stay at his place. He was also very assuring that Kihyun also didn’t need to come over.

(The first day he didn’t return though, he actually did. He walked right up to the apartment, knocked, but no one greeted him. He waited fifteen minutes before texting Jooheon and getting back a message saying they were out getting medications and fresh air.)

He hopes Changkyun at least listens his messages. Even if he’s communicating through his friend, he hasn’t entirely detached himself. He’s patient, telling the other to eat well, shower, and the hours he’ll be out of the house (in case Changkyun wants to go home when he’s not there).

A few days later he finds the sink empty, clothes folded, and some missing. He wants to be relieved that at least the other has opened his voicemails, but it stings knowing he’s avoiding him.

He gave him the option after all, put it out there that Changkyun is more than welcome to come back to their space by himself. It shouldn’t hurt like it does. 

-

Another week passes excruciatingly slow. As much as he wishes for the days to end, he can’t remove himself, put himself on standby as he goes through his motions. Each tick of the clock, every time the sun shifts its spot in the sky, he feels it all pass.

“Did I do something?”

“Kihyunnie,” Hoseok calls in his ever comforting voice. 

It’s just the two of them, which he doesn’t want to admit he’s glad for. He doesn’t think he could have faced both Hoseok and Hyunwoo knowing they’re happy, in love, with no looming fear of drifting apart while him and his own soul mate are. “This kind of thing happens. It’s nothing you’ve done, sometimes things or people just fall onto a different path.”

He eventually owned up to everything, he held out for almost two weeks but Hoseok sat him down and demanded to know what was going on. He found it easy to explain the what, but not the why.

He doesn’t know when Changkyun started pulling away onto this new path. Receiving your colors happens in an instant, but losing them? That stretches long and hard, maybe because the universe doesn’t want to admit it's wrong and holds off on pulling away the light until the very end. The thought churns his gut, twisting until his insides are contorted with pain settling in every formation. 

How could he have not realized Changkyun was pulling away? 

“I had to have done something for him to fall onto this other path then, right?”

“You don’t know that for sure. Did he say anything?”

Kihyun wracks his brain for any explicit words that Changkyun wasn’t doing well, that he thought they weren’t doing well. He can only picture them sitting on the same couch, not touching, no words being shared as Netflix plays along in the background while they work on their own individual laptops. 

At the time, he had thought of it more as comfortable silence, he doesn’t know when it became apathy. 

“We haven’t been talking to each other lately. Even before he started staying with Jooheon.”

Hoseok shifts, his sturdy thighs start to dig into Kihyun’s neck from where he was laying. It doesn’t hurt for long as he’s nudged up to sit instead of laying down.

“What do you mean you haven’t been talking? Like at all? Did you fight?”

“Not like completely,” he rephrases. “We just haven’t been saying anything important. Good morning, good night, what do you want for dinner.”

“Kihyun.” Now he knows he’s about to be scolded.

“There’s been nothing to say,” he tries as justification. “We got into a routine, he works, I work. But nothing’s been different.”

“That doesn’t matter. You need to talk to him. Ask him how his day was. What he’s thinking.”

He doesn’t have an excuse, even if he wants to try and defend himself. Because their routines never changed, he just figured those repeated questions grew mundane and they were no longer needed. If something unusual happened, they would bring it up without having to be asked.

Hoseok sighs.

“I know it’s different if you’re both not making and I don’t want to blame you, but you don’t even know when things started going like this? Do you think he tried and you just didn’t notice?”

He thinks of their dinners, that they would always make the effort to have together no matter how busy. Changkyun always talked about music and Kihyun loves that he does. Did. It’s never something he got tired of, but he does remember Changkyun getting stuck.

He struggled with his music, struggled to compose a piece that he was proud of. Kihyun would ask every while “how’s the song going?”. Changkyun would reply, trying not to sound exasperated, but every time he would deflate and Kihyun couldn’t stand asking him anymore. The responses would become more and more subdued.

His reassurances couldn’t help him and Kihyun didn’t want to constantly remind it wasn’t done by asking. So he stopped. 

Changkyun started out talking about his frustrations, but Kihyun didn’t know how to help him. 

He didn’t think that though would be the cause of their distance.

Hoseok listens carefully as Kihyun tells him. He’s back to rubbing Kihyun’s thigh, helping ease the words out of him. He talks, about all of those times, them being the first ones that came to mind.

“At the end of it all, I just stopped asking.”

“Has he been home at all?”

“To pick up a few things yeah. But I’m never home when he does.”

Hoseok stops rubbing, even pulls his hands back to cross his arms. He doesn’t look angry anymore. His face scrunches together, like if you squished a soft marshmallow.

“I don’t know how he got lost, so I don’t know exactly what he’s thinking. And I won’t be the one to ask him. When you do see him again, you need to talk to him.”

“I know that,” he spits, but there’s no actual bite. Hoseok needs to point out the obvious with him sometimes, even when he doesn’t want to hear it. “But what do I even say.”

“That you’ll hear him out. And mean it.”

-

Kihyun up to this point refused to call himself a fool (his friends do that enough for him), but it’s been three weeks. He hasn’t seen Changkyun once, hasn’t spoken to him, he’s even stopped texting Jooheon for daily updates. He didn’t receive any descriptive answers anyways.

He went over to Jooheon’s three more times after and each time no answer came. He knocked once until his neighbor came out and threatened to call the police.

Each day that passes takes away a little more color. Kihyun had forgotten how monotone the world could be. Lifeless. The greys leading up to your soul mates at least hold excitement and hope, the grey after sucks dry any warmth and feeling he’s experienced, leaving him the most empty he has ever been.

After his talk with Hoseok he waited patiently at home to talk with Changkyun, and when he didn’t come home, he had to remind himself that this would take time. He wants Changkyun to come to him rather than forcing the other to speak to him, because him taking the initiative hasn't gone anywhere, but he feels like he’s on a timer.

He’s down to the last few grains in the hourglass, each piece of sand taking away the color as they go.

All his emotions finally build up, releasing like a busted dam. He doesn’t think the sobbing is actually him, but he’s alone, has been for so long.

He stands in their living room, grabs one of the non scenic photos on their side table. It shows the two smiling, faces tinted pink over the anxiousness of still barely knowing each other, but finally easing into the fact they were fated for one another. It’s the day Changkyun told him he’d like to try something more. 

He grips the frame tight, ready to slam it down in frustration, one final act of admitting its over when the front door opens.

In walks the person he’s simultaneously waited for and dreaded wanting talking to.

“Changkyun,” he chokes out, putting the frame gently back onto the desk. 

His hands feel sweaty so he pats them down his pants. He thinks to run away, hide in the bathroom knowing his face is blotchy and tear stained. Instead he stands motionless for a moment in the scene.

Changkyun's eyes move from Kihyun’s face to the photograph that was just in his hands. He hasn’t said a word still.

“Are you here to get things?” He tries to compose himself in the tense silence. “I’ll leave and you can get whatever you need. I’ll be back later.”

His mind races trying to figure out what he needs. Keys? Wallet? As impulsive it is to leave he has to remember something to get back inside.

He’s heading to the bedroom to grab them but is stopped by a hand on his wrist. He looks down, eyes wide. He sees the red bracelet Kihyun bought him on their second anniversary, faded now to his eyes, but he remembers the rich color, the look Changkyun gave him when he opened it.

“I’m not here to get anything.”

“Bringing back then? If it’s your laundry you can leave it too. I’ll get it done and you can get it tomorrow.”

“That. That’s not it. I’m not here for anything.”

“Then?” His voice wavers, tension filters throughout his body. For a moment he thinks it’s irritation.

“Can we talk?” His voice is soft, unlike Kihyun’s.

They are just the words he needed. It’s an opening, a chance to work through everything that went wrong. But now that it’s here, he’s guarded. He needs to think through all of his words careful, avoid falling into a deeper hole than he already has. 

He nods.

Changkyun doesn’t let go until they reach the couch. It stays quiet for a while longer. Changkyun eyes the place as if he really forgot what everything looked like. Like the three weeks was enough to take away any recollection of it. 

But he hasn’t changed anything. The place has remained still. Kihyun has been spending as much of his time with Hoseok as he can. When he’s overstayed his welcome, he still manages to avoid that suffocating atmosphere of their apartment. 

Kihyun thinks he should say something first, but saying _“how have you been”_ seems like a joke. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” Changkyun starts. 

He swallows, feeling he really should have been the one to start.

“You shouldn’t be apologizing.”

Changkyun scrunches his nose, always so sharp. 

“But I should be. We should. I should have said something instead of hiding away.”

“I didn’t reach out when I could have.”

“You though, didn’t you? Every text asking how I was, giving Jooheon all those instructions on how to take care of me. Every time you came knocking.”

_So they were there._

His chin wrinkles, face crumbling as it always does when he needs to think through something wrong. His “trying”, doesn’t feel like enough. It took him so long to realize there was a problem that when it came time to fix it, he was desperate. Relentless. He was an annoyance rather than a hero to save the day.

“You took the space because you needed it, right? How was it?” he asks, even if he’s afraid of the answer. Maybe Changkyun rekindled the flame in his work. Maybe he realized he doesn’t need Kihyun anymore and he’s here to say goodbye. 

Changkyun’s eyes bore into his own, heavy, sad. For the first time he’s noticing the under eye bags, deep just like when he stays up all night in his work studio, getting little to no sleep for days upon days.

“It was the loneliest three weeks of my life.”

His chest tightens as he stares. There’s no hint of embarrassment or shame in the words. 

Changkyun is doing all of the apologizing, all of the confessing. All of his thinking has left him to reply, not take any initiative. As much as he shakes on the inside, he speaks.

“Changkyun,” he finds his voice. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

He tracks back, thinking to when he gradually stopped trying. As Changkyun began to doubt his work, Kihyun let it be as to not remind him of his frustrations. Not only then, but every other time he did not think they needed to speak to each other. He doesn’t mean it as an excuse, just as an explanation. That he sees his own mistake. 

He tells Changkyun his realizations and more importantly how apologetic he is for not noticing where things were headed. 

Changkyun does the same, though from his own perspective. From where he struggled and what he expected. Kihyun listens without trying to vindicate himself.

It goes on for hours, the longest genuine conversation they have had in months. By the end Changkyun holds him tight and he returns it. He runs his hand through Changkyun’s messy hair, the sides stick out like when he tosses and turns, struggling to rest peacefully.

Some of the warmth comes back to their frigid apartment.

“Are we okay?”

The rift that had opened up between him and Kihyun has been acknowledged. From then on, it’s a matter of keeping the promises they made after their apologies. Meant to be didn’t mean lack of effort. Nor that everything would just fall into place. It isn’t a matter of holding onto the color, but working through the relationship fate gave them.

“We’re gonna be.”

**Author's Note:**

> This actually isn't the fic I was expecting to post next but here we are


End file.
